Frustration

I am very careful with my words. not in an evil, calculated sort of way. But in a cautious "i know how awful it feels to have your feelings hurt" sort of way.  I really don't want to offend or hurt other people.

I have a very small, but close, group of friends here.

I often need to talk things through, or just "put it out there" to purge it from my mind.

My husband is extremely busy, so trying to discuss things that do not involve him just seems frivolous. Especially because many of the things i need to talk about matter only in that moment. I usually know they will not be significant in a week, or a day, or maybe even the next hour.

All these things added up make for a LOT of random facebook posts. A whole lot. And i'm okay with that (i honestly don't care if anyone else has an issue...block my updates, it's easy to do). But one of today's posts started a RIGHT before bed (i mean my earplugs were almost in) conversation with kyle that has me so frustrated I can't sleep.

"Friends close, enemies closer? Nah. I'll just be nice to everyone and try my hardest to brush my shoulders off when the meanies (intentional or not) hurt my feelings."


He thinks "why post something that you're going to do? just live it." Um, hello? Why do anything on FB with that attitude? I tried to explain that facebook is sometimes my ONLY interaction with people, with my friends. Today for instance, i saw only my neighbor. and only for 5 minutes. thanks to 2 children on two very different nap schedules, i had at least one child napping from 10 am to 5 pm.  DOnt get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom. But, if it's weren't for facebook, i am not sure i could survive days like this. 

He says he understands. he doesn't.

He also thinks that i am setting myself up for fights, or awkward conversations, or losing friends.  He may very well be right, but i don't think so. Because i have a small group of friends, it would be obvious who I am "blowing off steam" about. And that is not fair. I know my emotions are fleeting. And i know any conversation of this sort could easily be considered catty and gossipy, and those are 2 adjectives i do NOT want tied to me. Still, I needed to get that thought out of my head and put it into words that i could read again and again  when i need to. Sure, i could just write that in a journal, but i also needed the support of my friends. I needed to see the "likes" and read the comments to get some encouragement. So onto facebook it went. Another thing, this isn't about the person who hurt my feelings. This is me telling myself (while getting encouragement from my friends) that i need to not let other people hurt me so easily. I am SO sensitive (hence the RIDICULOUSLY long (but super cathartic) blog post at 11pm after a 2 minute calm conversation with my husband). The situation that caused my feelings to get hurt that sparked the post? I am confident there were ZERO intentions of hurting my feelings, so this post was NOT about that person. It was about me changing how i deal with things. I need to remember that not everyone is as highly sensitive as i am, so not everyone thinks the way i do or acts the way i do. But i also need to remember to not give people who are intentionally hurtful the satisfaction of my emotional reactions (thus the "intentional or not" part).  

I had been thinking about ways to deal with these sorts of people (by that i mean people who are oblivious to my sensitive nature, who are less gentle than I strive to be), and the "enemies closer" phrase came to mind. ANd i immediately knew that wasn't "me", and i could never do that. how exhausting! the very next thought was the "golden rule".  And that is much more "me." And much more easy. And i knew i needed to remember that.







Ugh. I have written so much...I don't know how else to explain it. I"m not sure I can. At least now i feel calmer and like i can sleep :o)